april journaling pages
this morning i wished we’d have a couple more minutes to just hold each other
1 aprilie
i have a way of doing things&when that’s not respected i get upset.i’m working on my first collaboration ever,it’s scary&exciting.we made homemade gnocchi last night&watched harry potter 2;i also had therapy&it went well.i cry&i laugh so much with my therapist!
we’re looking for an apartment to move in since the whole property is being sold.i just want to get out of here,everything’s a chaos&it’s hard to use my brain when living like this.old men keep flirting with me at the store&it makes me deeply uncomfortable;i want M to be more responsible but i guess he’s just a mirror.i see gloomy&windy outside the window,i might go smoke;i want warm weather so i can be naked more.i experience a lot of creative blockages these days,like i get frustrated with myself&i start not liking anything i make.
”i don’t want a normal life,i want to do big things”,i told him yesterday.
”we didn’t sign up for a normal life”,he replied.
i told my therapist i want to talk about motherhood next week,something that’s been on my mind a lot recently.i would be the best&worst mom.M would be the best&worst dad.we would be the best&worst parents.i don’t want a normal life&because of that i need to fight for normality first,which feels like the wrong step.
5 aprilie
first warm morning of this spring!smells like flowers&humidity.i’m having my first collaboration ever&for some reason i keep avoiding doing it because of fear.we woke up early this morning to go get coffee because we ran out of milk;talked to mom on videocall&kept staring at her nose&imagining it on my face.tonight i will go bowling with special needs people.everything i do is research.i want to stop seeing what i don’t like&instead see what i do like.america is doing something to my soul.battles.lots of battles.mostly i like myself.i had a dream the other night in which i had a baby&i felt terrible because i didn’t have any maternal instincts,i kept forgetting about my baby¬ changing its diaper..i was looking at my best friend’s perfect baby&i was thinking how bad of a mom i am.when i told my mom about the dream she said it means i am not taking enough care of myself,like the baby is me.i thought that’s stupid,but now It makes sense.
i have to live in my world….it’s all i have.i like both of my rigidity&lack of rigidity.on monday we’ll go see a lawyer.
8 aprilie
we had a meeting with our lawyer yesterday&it confirmed me how fucked up things are right now.