what i've been told (1)

five years later,a cold sunny tuesday brought her to tell me something she never did before

i walked into my mother’s room.she was comfortably laying in bed when she looked up at me&startled;the silence of Disappointment was suddenly floating in the air, making it thick&hard to breathe.she didn’t talk to me for a week or two after that&i was just trying to avoid her at any cost;“how hard could it be?it’s not like we are stuck in the same house by a worldwide pandemic”,i was amusing myself.my nineteen self wasn’t interested in spelling out the reasoning behind my choice(s).i guess i never really liked to verbalize anything.to her or anybody.my life was happening in another place where communication was taking slightly different shapes&the conventional World,if there is such a thing,was build on temporary actions leading to temporary results;i couldn’t blame her either.she was a child of the communism,raised in a ‘Girls Wear Pink&Boys Wear Blue’ Cube with only one Tiny Translucent Emergency Exit;i guess part of my lack of desire to demonstrate myself to her was coming from knowing that we’ve always been like this.i would wear something ugly&she would not like it at all;this whole ‘we have to do things in a certain way’ thing always triggered every single cell in my body…….&especially coming from her,because i knew it’s actually not her talking,but the ideas stuck in her brain that she was too afraid to let go of.